Oops, I did it again (and that's okay)

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This is more of a journal entry for myself. Saying it to the world or whoever cares to read will help take the load off of how much I've been carrying the last few months. Before I get started I wanted to air out how I've been feeling, and maybe this will help someone else feel less alone. I feel very discontent with my life right now. And alone. And through everything I talk and write about, I still feel unworthy of love and being loved. Through everything I preach, I have a hard time believing that what I say is true.

That I'm redeemed. Chosen. Loved by the Most High God. Psalms 34:18 says the Lord is close to the broken hearted; he saves those crushed in spirit. And I just ask him, "Even me God? Even if the reason I'm hurt is dumb?" I'd like to assume yes, but most days I feel I exclude myself from His love. In the back of the classroom. Hiding and hoping He doesn't notice my tears. I feel his presence a lot more lately though, so some good has come out of this season.

Particularly this post is about giving yourself grace to fail. In all aspects. Yet still getting back up no matter how hurt you feel. Becoming a Christian has truly made me a warrior, not in my own strength though, but by God's unconditional love, through all my flaws and hiccups he continues to choose me, and that makes me get back up. I don't love God as much as I wish I could and that's okay. Although I don't, he gives me his love. He loves me MORE and that's why I love Him.

What I've been learning as a perfectionist, is that you're not going to obtain all of these Godly traits in a few months if you've been doing the opposite all of your life. It takes the wisest people decades to get a few of them right. This is not an excuse to abuse the grace he gives us, but to stop holding ourselves to such high standards. Jesus doesn't want perfection. He wants you. He literally saved us from ourselves. The battle is over. If God's grace is sufficient for you, why isn't yours for yourself.

I'm going so far off my notes today, mind you, I have homework due and going through the worst cramps as we speak while hot tears roll down my face. Like, I'm so serious. But I knew I needed to write this NOW.

This is my first real blog post. I'm not really giving advice today, I'm validating the feeling of wanting to be perfect and accepting that it's impossible. Any one else feel as though they aren't qualified to preach the Word because they are still going through their own issues in the dark? Because same. who would I be to share only the ups of being "called by God" to be a leader, speaker, author, who knows, but not also the downs?

I'm sharing to people that Jesus loves them yet I still have a hard time believing that myself. Being called higher is a blessing but it also is the hardest thing I've ever done. A weight that will constantly have me going, "Am I doing this right?" or "Why would God want me preaching the gospel I feel like a phony." But just like Paul he can and will use anyone.

But i know God is telling me now is not the time to start believing in logic. Through every blessing and answered prayer He's saying "don't give up now. because you're almost there. you're so close. If I could spoil it and tell you the season 2 finale and what all of this was for I would, but that would mess everything up because I know you."

What I've learned in my journey is that you can do everything by the book every single day and still have a cold heart towards God. It's not what we can do for God but what we can include him in. Don't hide in the back of the classroom hoping he doesn't notice your sadness, anger or fears. In fact, we're told to embrace it in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "God's power is perfected in my weakness, so I will boast about them so that Christ's power can reside in me. For when I am weak, I am strong." Meditating on this verse, it's truly about surrendering. It demonstrates a relying on Christ's strength and grace alone. It's about humbling yourself. Just because I know "scripture" doesn't mean I'm better than everyone else because: Knowing everything I know, and still having days where I wish I could go back and live at peace with my sin, having days where I still find interest in worldly guys who don't want me, having days where I wish I could just smoke one blunt and maybe the problem will go away, having days where I feel invisible, having days where I wish I had a girlfriend to call and cry to, having days where I see myself as unloveable, and having days where I convince myself I'll never break free of the generational trauma that has been passed down in my family.

But here we are, hungry as heck with puffy eyes, and a towel on my stomach, sitting in the feeling of unworthiness, yet doing nothing about it. I'm sitting in my feelings but also sitting at the feet of Jesus. And letting Him take the wheel.

No advice you could probably look up on chat GPT for and no funny jokes today because I'm honestly going through it. But I'm also a very honest and vulnerable person. Knowing Jesus personally isn't repellent for bad experiences. In fact... it's like an episode of fear factor. You have to crawl through this hole with centipedes and scorpions while having to pass through to get to the finish line. And I'm doing all of that while screaming. In fact we haven't even made it 5 seconds in the hole and I'm screaming, crying and throwing up. Again, God wants me to be some kind of leader?

He just told me "yes."